I Never Talked to Anyone About It

Male, 45, married.

My history with watching porn is long and complicated, but I'll try to keep it as concise as possible. My first exposure with porn was finding a few copies of the now-defunct magazine, Players, in a trash can while walking around the neighborhood I lived in as a teen. Players was like Playboy, except it featured pictorials of beautiful black women only. Once I made that discovery, I was hooked on porn because it was the only sexual outlet I had at the time. Not long after that, I found out that a close friend at the time, had access to his father's immense collection of porn mags and films. Once in a while, four or five of us would go over to this friend's house to hang out and watch reel-to-reel porn films (this was the '70's, before the rise of vhs players and everything since). I always felt a little weird watching porn with my male friends because I knew we'd all be horny with no way of dealing with it until we were on our own. We were all straight and not the circle-jerking types.

Once exposed to watching porn on film, the still shots in magazines were not enough because I craved hearing the sounds and watching people having sex, no matter how staged it was. When I turned 18, I moved into the realm of adult book stores and into the video booths, where I would spend a lot of time watching all sorts of porn, depending on the selections. It took me a while to get up the nerve to venture into the viewing booths, but after a while, it was nothing for me to go right back there with no pretense armed with quarters and one dollar bills.
 
At first, I'd watch the videos, get horny and leave to go home and 'finish off'. That changed once I figured out that all I needed to do was to take napkins with me and keep quiet while getting off. Around that same time, I discovered what I liked and didn't like in porn. The 'yes' column included, straight fucking, 'lesbian' sex, anal, female masturbation, interracial (black men and white/asian/latino women), some S/M, and even gay sex once in a while. The 'no' column included: beastiality, violent sex, extreme gaping anal scenes, scat, and a host of other things I prefer not to watch. I also never got into the convention of 'facials' in porn. They just never did anything for me. I made weekly trips to different adult stores to get my porn fix until I finally got my hands on a vcr and was able to stay at home and rent vhs tapes and later, watched porn dvds and now on the computer. 
 
Porn has always been a very private thing for me. I never talked to anyone about it and saw no need to. I kept my use of it hidden from girlfriends because I knew that most of them didn't like it and I wasn't going to force them to see otherwise. There were a lot of times when I felt that I shouldn't be supporting the porn industry because of the negative aspects that go into the production of much of it, including some women and girls being forced to participate in porn and other kinds of sexual slavery. That, and the fact that some literature I read from hard-core feminists like Andrea Dworkin equated the viewing of porn to rape. I didn't really believe that, but my sensibilities caused me to back away from my consumption of porn for a couple of years. I returned to it during a four year period where I couldn't get a girlfriend and didn't have any opportunities for sex, otherwise.

I keep on looking at porn partly for the visual thrill of seeing women I don't know nude or partially nude and it helps get me off when the mood hits. I also love that people have been able to explore their sexuality on their own terms via the internet, for better or for worse.

The variety and accessibility of porn on the 'net has also allowed me to indulge in my exhibitionist tendencies a bit. I've taken and uploaded artful adult self-portraits to blogs of my own over the past few years. Some of the home-made porn is as crappy as the mainstream stuff, but, on the other hand, there is a lot of good, low budget porn out there. For example, one of my personal favorites is watching videos of women masturbating. There's plenty of that on the mainstream side, but it's all very faked, which does nothing for me; the faked moans, the scripted looks at the camera and bad dialogue (I know we're talking about porn here, but it really annoys me) is enough to make sure nothing hot happens. Then, I found the site, [redacted], which features very sensual videos of everyday women masturbating, either in a studio setting or in a location that they feel comfortable in. I love [redacted] because it depicts women really enjoying themselves and their bodies. That's what turns me on more than the usual stuff you see all of the time. I'm constantly on the lookout for sites like [redacted] because they show what the true erotic possibilities are for porn.

One of the things about my relationship with porn is that I never took it's attitudes about how women act sexually to heart. I never expected women that I would meet in real life to act anything like porn actresses in their videos. Keeping a strict line between reality and "pornality" has been a blessing and a curse at times because I find myself picking apart porn scenes unnecessarily. Most of the time, when I come across the dreck of the internet, I just keep moving along until I find something that clicks with me.

I Began to Feel Abnormal

Like a train wreck, baby:  my eyes are inexorably drawn in to the center of scene, blood flow increases to the cerebral cortex, and my brain and body respond as programmed by thousands of years of evolution coursing through veins.
 
Which brings me to a point:  I've read some of the responses to your question, and there seems to be a conflation of questions.  Be clear that I am only answering the question "Why do you watch porn?", not the question "Why do you compulsively yank your cock like a deranged chimp at the zoo when the Catholic schoolgirls stop in front of your cage?" 
 
I watch porn to further the mood, to help engage my brain, during those times when I need it.  I watch porn with my SO, as a prelude - a sort of mental lubrication - to further sexual activity; I watch porn when I masturbate to keep my mind occupied.  The biggest problem I have, sexually speaking, is keeping focus:  my mind wanders, especially when there is no other involved to engage more senses.
 
By myself, there is nothing to taste, nothing to smell, nothing to explore, nothing to touch, nothing to press my tongue against, both enjoying the sensation of my tongue, and delighting in the reaction I provoke in the other:  there is just me, alone, with all my normal stressors.  A mountain of debt, a lifetime of insecurity, obligations to be met, dreams to be dashed, problems to be solved:  no amount of Viagra can overcome all this.  There is nothing so quite disheartening as to feel the need for an orgasm, to have the time to pleasure oneself, to get started in the act, only to discover mid-stroke that I'm now thinking about my mother's impending death from brain tumors raging inside her skull. 
 
Porn helps to engage my brain, to quell those thoughts of my existence which rob my erection of its life.  Porn enables me to relax, to enjoy the sensations I'm provoking in myself, to reach that point where I am one with my cock, that ultimate Zen of existence in which each wave of pleasure moving from the head of my cock through my body defines me wholly.
 
I do remember, somewhat fondly, when all it would take to help this along was the mere sight of a breast.  Ah, the days of our youth; soon left behind as we realize that, just like listening to rock music, you become quite accustomed to 110dB sound pressure level, and yearn for more.  Until you reach that point of oversaturation, when your physical system just can't tolerate any more.  Then, it's no fun:  it's just oversaturation.
 
Sometimes, with a partner, the issue of sex becomes quite confusing; I'm not quite sure if this is a good time to approach the subject.  I sense that, as I wish to fuck her, she wishes to fuck me:  yet, for whatever reason, there is a gap between us, an emotional gap, perhaps, which prohibits us from just doing what bunnies do.  These are the times when popping in a DVD on the big screen can do more than break the ice:  it can melt the ice more certainly than any global warming threatening a glacier.  Sometimes it's just enough for each of us to then masturbate, each engaged by identifcation with the onscreen antics, and yet aware of the other likewise engaged.  More often, we end up entwined on the floor, the onscreen action ignored.
 
I also watch porn because it can provide reassurance:  for whatever Freudian reason, I've always liked licking my partner's asshole.  Perhaps through random bad luck, perhaps this is the way it works, the first partners I tried this with were not receptive.  At all.  I began to feel abnormal, ashamed of this desire which raged within me.  Imagine my delight when I discovered (through porn) that, in the gamut of sexual behaviors, this was something that other people did, and enjoyed.  I began to feel less ashamed, to be able to revel in the pleasure which this act brings to me (and I hope my partner), and, became more aggressively confident in asserting my normalcy in the wave of desire to bury my face between the cheeks of a pretty girl's ass, and let my tongue circle and probe her asshole.
 
We also, against the advice of sex therapists, learn new activities through porn, activities which not only provide for sexual release, but which increase our bond.  Porn is a great teacher, and a great normalizer:  it helps us both to realize that such sexual exploration is healthy and normal.  It reduces the barriers which society has erected in our minds.

I Am a Writer

Sexual release has always been a compulsion for me. I haven't been diagnosed but I believe I've been a sex addict in the past. I would prefer to stay home and masturbate. This was my hobby and my drug.

I started watching porn young, but only briefly. Years later I got my hands on a sex video catalogue which I heavily used from my early teens until I was in college when I began finding internet porn. It was addressed to my mother and I opened it suspecting what was inside. We lived on a farm so my access to new material was limited. I hid it in multiple places and kept it for over 15 years until I moved overseas. Now I save porn on my hard drive, compulsively, even if I don't watch it I still find and save like a pack rat.

When I entered college I didn't have my own internet hookup so I would sit in the back of the computer lab and surf for porn to download to disc and watch at home. Sometimes I wouldn't make it, having to hide my erection in the lab or having to try to finish it off in the restroom unnoticed. 

I always hoped to find what I saw in the women's faces, someone who hungered for sex as much as I, who didn't need to socialize just fuck me with animal lust. Socializing was a huge bore in comparison with the connection of sex. I could connect with the women abstracted in pictures because they show exactly what I want, someone looking like they want to fuck, not judging me or wondering if their friends will like me. 

I finally lost my virginity when I was 21 to a Russian exchange student who was as hungry for sex as me. She treated my differently, she didn't care about the social pretenses and I could feel she wanted it as much as me. However I had a harder time connecting sexually with her than porn because the condom blocked a lot of feeling. 

Shortly after this I moved to Germany, living with a girl and her parents. We did some of the most depraved sexual acts I've ever done, often mimicking what I was watching online. However I was more excited because she had a dedicated internet connection in her room and I was alone during the day. I could now watch whatever porn I wanted and did, masturbating more than I had sex with her. Ironically the porn often had girls very similar to her doing similar things that we did. The porn was the place where only I could go, like a dream, if I don't like something I can simply find something else. Which was often necessary because a lot of porn is made by men about domination, not about the lust of women, where women are turned on and want it, which is what I crave about porn. I want to see them wanting me. 

Heavy masturbation to porn destroyed a number of relationships and I cannot say I'm sorry. Porn was simply a more pleasing sexual experience most of the time for me. I can sneak it on my iphone, in the bathroom at work, in more than one occasion in my car on my laptop in some deserted place like a cemetery, while driving, in my mind while I'm having sex. The only regret I have is that it competes for much of my creative energy. I am a writer and it's too easy to switch programs or web pages for a creativity-robbing wank.

The biggest sadness in my life I found when I realized I wasn't watching porn anymore. When I was in my early 20s I started taking Propecia to save my hair. I realized when I was 27 that I wasn't connecting with porn as much anymore, or interested in looking at it. My drug was slowing taken away. I no longer sat next to a beautiful woman and imagined her mimicking what I'd seen Belladonna do with me, looking at me with the hungry eyes, begging for my manhood. Masturbation was no longer a multiple daily event, or even daily. I was depressed and had lost the urge to search for new stuff online. My porn collection sat idle as did my lust. I stopped taking Propecia and 4 years later have eventually recovered some of my lust but at a cost. It's limited. I can't look at porn often anymore if I want to have a sexual relationship. Which I now have with that same Russian girl I lost my virginity to. Now there is more porn than ever, more available than ever, and I have to severely limit myself if I want to get an erection a few times a week. It's like putting a brick of black tar in front of a heroin addict and limiting them to once a week hits in order for them to get a buzz. It's torture especially because I spend so much time online, and so much free porn is available with a few "www." keystrokes...

I Was Gonna Explode

I started consuming porn at a very young age. As a budding 10-12 year old boy, it was quite a surprise to find my dad's dirty mags under his nightstand. I didn't even know how to masturbate back then. It was through some friends at school and my brother that I found out what I was "supposed to do" with this pictures. There was no turning back then, I guess. I would scour the whole of my house looking for porn, and found it. The magazines were never in short supply, usually staying in their spot for a month or two before being replaced by new ones. There were also a couple of betamax tapes that I would be itching to watch when my parents were away. I gradually became picky and started to hone my preferences and my taste. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to buy my very own porn. I remember buying my first magazine, in a comic book and used books store. I couldn't even look at the cashier (a woman), blushed like I was gonna explode and one of my legs started trembling uncontrollably. At this time I also had my first job, and it was in an office. The office had internet connection and I could be left alone for long stretches of time. You know what happened then. I would frantically try to watch as much as I could and often jacked off in the very office. By this time, finding porn had become an obsession, I needed to find as much and the best porn available. I had started a collection. I would cut up the magazines I bought and pasted the pictures that turned me on the most and made a scrapbook. I also kept the very best digital pics I found and load them up to a slideshow viewer, you know, for easier masturbation.

Now I must mention what my sexual and romantic life is like. In a word, nonexistant. As I am writing this I am 27 years old. Virgin, never had a girlfriend, have been on a total of two dates, never even been kissed. I absolutely love women, find them fascinating, intringuing and stimulating. Yet I am a complete failure in social skills. I am incredibly shy, have very few friends, spend most of my time alone and freeze to a standstill when someone tries to socialize with me. Is consuming porn the cause or a sympton of this problem? If I had a girlfriend and a healthy sex life, would I not need to watch porn anymore? I don't know, and it's these kind of questions that are always in the back of my mind. To be sure, porn has had it's benefits. Thru amassing and sorting the collection I've learned first hand lots of skills that are useful in my career, as I am a librarian. Simply by searching for porn I've become a better librarian and able to find stuff for my users in ways that otherwise I wouldn't consider. Porn has been a distraction and a company thru all the lonely nights. And it's also brought me an unxpected and pleasant connection.

About two years ago I started blogging my porn, just to see if there was anyone out there that liked what I liked. Imagine my surprise when not only did I find someone, but it was also a woman. A middle-aged mom in a completely different country and with a taste for porn, started to comment on what I posted and it slowly evolved into an online friendship. Then we started e-mailing and sending each other semi-nude photos. She is now one of my very best friends and we still connect thru porn. I send her pics that I come across which I think are stimulating or that I think she'll like and she answers me back with her thoughts and sometimes a question or two. My life is not fascinating or exciting, but it's also far from miserable. I walk thru the street and fell jealous of the couples I see kissing or holding hands. I want to experience that, but in the meantime I am happy with what I have and I enjoy porn as a means of entertainment and self-discovery. Am I addicted? Yes, probably. But I would rather say that I'm addicted to the world and to beauty. And while not all porn is beautiful (believe me, I know), sometimes a glimmer shines thru it and that is what I'm looking for.

I Watched Porn for the Same Reason Every Other Guy Watched Porn

Why does any guy watch porn?

Seriously though, without getting into the beginnings of the internet, I watched porn for the same reason every other guy watched porn. Though, the internet brought forth a little more curiosity in me and I eventually found myself searching out the sick things people do to each other to get off. It changed me for a time. I would like to tell you that i've come away quite a bit more cynical towards humanity, but in reality, i've come full circle. I was blissfully unaware before, and i'm blissfully uncaring now. Back in the early days of porn, watching a golden shower video was a good laugh as you and your buddies tried not to puke. I had more than my share of jeering as I saved images of women getting bound with elaborate knots because i've always been a fan of rope work (as in knots used in construction, not in sex).

Why I watch porn today is because I have fantasies just like every other person. To see them on screen is a plus.