I Am a Writer

Sexual release has always been a compulsion for me. I haven't been diagnosed but I believe I've been a sex addict in the past. I would prefer to stay home and masturbate. This was my hobby and my drug.

I started watching porn young, but only briefly. Years later I got my hands on a sex video catalogue which I heavily used from my early teens until I was in college when I began finding internet porn. It was addressed to my mother and I opened it suspecting what was inside. We lived on a farm so my access to new material was limited. I hid it in multiple places and kept it for over 15 years until I moved overseas. Now I save porn on my hard drive, compulsively, even if I don't watch it I still find and save like a pack rat.

When I entered college I didn't have my own internet hookup so I would sit in the back of the computer lab and surf for porn to download to disc and watch at home. Sometimes I wouldn't make it, having to hide my erection in the lab or having to try to finish it off in the restroom unnoticed. 

I always hoped to find what I saw in the women's faces, someone who hungered for sex as much as I, who didn't need to socialize just fuck me with animal lust. Socializing was a huge bore in comparison with the connection of sex. I could connect with the women abstracted in pictures because they show exactly what I want, someone looking like they want to fuck, not judging me or wondering if their friends will like me. 

I finally lost my virginity when I was 21 to a Russian exchange student who was as hungry for sex as me. She treated my differently, she didn't care about the social pretenses and I could feel she wanted it as much as me. However I had a harder time connecting sexually with her than porn because the condom blocked a lot of feeling. 

Shortly after this I moved to Germany, living with a girl and her parents. We did some of the most depraved sexual acts I've ever done, often mimicking what I was watching online. However I was more excited because she had a dedicated internet connection in her room and I was alone during the day. I could now watch whatever porn I wanted and did, masturbating more than I had sex with her. Ironically the porn often had girls very similar to her doing similar things that we did. The porn was the place where only I could go, like a dream, if I don't like something I can simply find something else. Which was often necessary because a lot of porn is made by men about domination, not about the lust of women, where women are turned on and want it, which is what I crave about porn. I want to see them wanting me. 

Heavy masturbation to porn destroyed a number of relationships and I cannot say I'm sorry. Porn was simply a more pleasing sexual experience most of the time for me. I can sneak it on my iphone, in the bathroom at work, in more than one occasion in my car on my laptop in some deserted place like a cemetery, while driving, in my mind while I'm having sex. The only regret I have is that it competes for much of my creative energy. I am a writer and it's too easy to switch programs or web pages for a creativity-robbing wank.

The biggest sadness in my life I found when I realized I wasn't watching porn anymore. When I was in my early 20s I started taking Propecia to save my hair. I realized when I was 27 that I wasn't connecting with porn as much anymore, or interested in looking at it. My drug was slowing taken away. I no longer sat next to a beautiful woman and imagined her mimicking what I'd seen Belladonna do with me, looking at me with the hungry eyes, begging for my manhood. Masturbation was no longer a multiple daily event, or even daily. I was depressed and had lost the urge to search for new stuff online. My porn collection sat idle as did my lust. I stopped taking Propecia and 4 years later have eventually recovered some of my lust but at a cost. It's limited. I can't look at porn often anymore if I want to have a sexual relationship. Which I now have with that same Russian girl I lost my virginity to. Now there is more porn than ever, more available than ever, and I have to severely limit myself if I want to get an erection a few times a week. It's like putting a brick of black tar in front of a heroin addict and limiting them to once a week hits in order for them to get a buzz. It's torture especially because I spend so much time online, and so much free porn is available with a few "www." keystrokes...

It Was My Friend

I currently see myself as an attractive, mid-twenties young man, with a creative job i love with a steady and good income. I have my first novel under my belt, a reasonably individual dress sense, a good sense of humour and i'm pretty confident to boot. I've come to love women and the female sensibility very much, and enjoy going on regular dates and occasionally falling in and out of love, but i've not always been like this.

I was expelled from school at 14 for drug related reasons, and immediately became a very angry young man, i started writing ridiculously right wing manifestos and generally was full of hate and bile toward the world and the way it had treated me for experimenting with soft drugs. I became lonely and introverted and that's where my healthy / unhealthy relationship with porn came in.

I had recently acquired my first modem, 14.4k, and did not need anyone or anything else. My parents were technophobes at the time and didn't know how to operate the computer my dad had bought for word processing, and i basically went to town looking for and easily finding porn.

I delved deeper and deeper and as my connection got faster and faster i became more and more hooked, until i was only looking for the most perverse and often degrading forms of porn i could find. I came to rely on porn, it was my friend, it made me feel good through the actions of others. Although i was still socially quite active, my friends were racking up notches on their bed posts whilst i stood in the side lines getting drunk and never really meeting any girls. I had lost my virginity at 14, and although i did have a string of - very - short term relationships in the mean time, i didn't  have penetrative sex again until i was 21, and i largely put this down to a mix of confidence issues and the growing porn obsession. I feel, looking back on it, porn stopped me understanding what 'real sex' was like, and put the act in a very weird place in my mind, it made it something sex is most definitely not, and almost made me think that it was a terrible, degrading act.

Porn was my solace and nemesis at the same time. I loved it and if affected me from growing sexually. Today, i still revert back to my old friend and still have a large digital collection of all sorts dating back from over the years that i keep saying to myself 'i'll delete it soon' but never do. I came out of my 'porn shell' through the love of a good, sexually active and knowledgeable girlfriend, without which, i feel i'd still hold sex as a strange, difficult entity in my head. I'm so happy that i have come to understand and enjoy sex more than looking at porn, i thought for a long time that i might never get over it, and i feel for the men that never do - i'm sure they're out there.

although now i'm dating and it doesn't matter so much, i think i know and realise that when i do eventually meet a girl i would like to settle down with, my life partner, that they will have to appreciate the fact porn and i are in it for the duration, i don't think i could every fully give it up, it's just something i need every now and again off the back of my youth. I think convincing her that it means nothing other than a quick release, however, might be more difficult than i imagine. life takes funny turns.