Why do I watch porn?
I used to ask myself that a lot when I was younger. I even used to try forcing myself to stop with various methods, ultimately leading to me self mutilating myself whenever I masturbated; even that didn't work.
I'm not particularly ugly, nor am I unintelligent or dull, but I've always been kind of socially awkward. I've always felt like I wasn't wanted, like some kind of intruder in social situations, and I could never make any kind of honest meaningful connection with women. The girl I lost my virginity to didn't even enjoy sex, she just lay there, and kind of complained about it after. There were several other disappointing encounters, and at some point I think I subconsciously decided that it was better to be alone than to be disappointed all the time. Pornography was my last refuge I guess; I can get the sexual urges out of my system with a minimum of time and money and effort and go back to being a good little zombie at my job. In porn I like seeing women who are enjoying themselves, it doesn't even matter how attractive they are, as long as they can portray an honest appearance of true sexual joy on screen, and I can pretend that I am there with them and they enjoy my company.
I always just wanted to be loved, and yet I could never break through the wall of mistrust surrounding me. Porn at least gives me a semi-satisfying illusion.
Perhaps I should see a counselor, or sex therapist, or even a prostitute, but instead I just muddle through life with porn, which, as I slowly get older, is losing its attraction (or maybe I'm just losing my libido.) I am envious of couples walking hand-in-hand in the park, and wonder why that great romantic vision is so unattainable for me.