I Am a Writer

Sexual release has always been a compulsion for me. I haven't been diagnosed but I believe I've been a sex addict in the past. I would prefer to stay home and masturbate. This was my hobby and my drug.

I started watching porn young, but only briefly. Years later I got my hands on a sex video catalogue which I heavily used from my early teens until I was in college when I began finding internet porn. It was addressed to my mother and I opened it suspecting what was inside. We lived on a farm so my access to new material was limited. I hid it in multiple places and kept it for over 15 years until I moved overseas. Now I save porn on my hard drive, compulsively, even if I don't watch it I still find and save like a pack rat.

When I entered college I didn't have my own internet hookup so I would sit in the back of the computer lab and surf for porn to download to disc and watch at home. Sometimes I wouldn't make it, having to hide my erection in the lab or having to try to finish it off in the restroom unnoticed. 

I always hoped to find what I saw in the women's faces, someone who hungered for sex as much as I, who didn't need to socialize just fuck me with animal lust. Socializing was a huge bore in comparison with the connection of sex. I could connect with the women abstracted in pictures because they show exactly what I want, someone looking like they want to fuck, not judging me or wondering if their friends will like me. 

I finally lost my virginity when I was 21 to a Russian exchange student who was as hungry for sex as me. She treated my differently, she didn't care about the social pretenses and I could feel she wanted it as much as me. However I had a harder time connecting sexually with her than porn because the condom blocked a lot of feeling. 

Shortly after this I moved to Germany, living with a girl and her parents. We did some of the most depraved sexual acts I've ever done, often mimicking what I was watching online. However I was more excited because she had a dedicated internet connection in her room and I was alone during the day. I could now watch whatever porn I wanted and did, masturbating more than I had sex with her. Ironically the porn often had girls very similar to her doing similar things that we did. The porn was the place where only I could go, like a dream, if I don't like something I can simply find something else. Which was often necessary because a lot of porn is made by men about domination, not about the lust of women, where women are turned on and want it, which is what I crave about porn. I want to see them wanting me. 

Heavy masturbation to porn destroyed a number of relationships and I cannot say I'm sorry. Porn was simply a more pleasing sexual experience most of the time for me. I can sneak it on my iphone, in the bathroom at work, in more than one occasion in my car on my laptop in some deserted place like a cemetery, while driving, in my mind while I'm having sex. The only regret I have is that it competes for much of my creative energy. I am a writer and it's too easy to switch programs or web pages for a creativity-robbing wank.

The biggest sadness in my life I found when I realized I wasn't watching porn anymore. When I was in my early 20s I started taking Propecia to save my hair. I realized when I was 27 that I wasn't connecting with porn as much anymore, or interested in looking at it. My drug was slowing taken away. I no longer sat next to a beautiful woman and imagined her mimicking what I'd seen Belladonna do with me, looking at me with the hungry eyes, begging for my manhood. Masturbation was no longer a multiple daily event, or even daily. I was depressed and had lost the urge to search for new stuff online. My porn collection sat idle as did my lust. I stopped taking Propecia and 4 years later have eventually recovered some of my lust but at a cost. It's limited. I can't look at porn often anymore if I want to have a sexual relationship. Which I now have with that same Russian girl I lost my virginity to. Now there is more porn than ever, more available than ever, and I have to severely limit myself if I want to get an erection a few times a week. It's like putting a brick of black tar in front of a heroin addict and limiting them to once a week hits in order for them to get a buzz. It's torture especially because I spend so much time online, and so much free porn is available with a few "www." keystrokes...